You guys. We had Before The 90 Days, The Other Way, and a new episode of The Kardashians this week. What have I done to deserve these precious gifts? Absolutely nothing, aside from deciding to forgo any additional intellectual development and lean into my love of shitty TV.
I did have a scary thought as I was watching Laura chasing after Aladdin in Guitar: it’s entirely possible that the bulk of my geographical knowledge comes from 90 Day Fiancé and House Hunters International. That, my friends, is sad. But also? C’est la vie, as the great Luanne de Lesseps would say.
Deavan & Jihoon
I was so anxious to learn Jihoon’s big secret that I stayed up until 1am watching the episode on Monday. My ass hasn’t seen that hour in AGES because it’s usually lights out for me around 10:30. I fucking love sleep.
This couple’s segments this week revolve around Deavan being skeptical of and angry at Jihoon. I know she’s trying to regulate her blood pressure, but hers is the kind of quiet anger that is incredibly frightening, in a way that loud anger just isn’t. In some ways, Deavan is scarier than Angela.
She’s incredibly pulled together for just having a baby. We stan.
I truly had high hopes for this couple, but Jihoon is kind of turning out to be a man-baby nightmare who doesn’t get that he needs to grow up and contribute to his family responsibilities. Ugh. I can’t
Their trip to the fish market comes after Laura and Aladdin’s scene with the lamb and this whole episode makes me glad to be a vegetarian. Hooray for Deavan for trying that weird octopus or whatever. Had that been asked of me, I would have fled into the woods. Gross.
Okay, we need to talk about Jihoon’s “crime.” It’s not a crime! I mean, technically, but reselling a phone that you didn’t know was stolen is like the least criminal thing I can think of, aside from jaywalking.The way TLC teased it, I really thought this was going to be an Epstein-level crime. But this? Please. I could do that in my sleep. I’m assuming that Deavan is only having such a big reaction because she’s from Utah and they have morals there. I, on the other hand, spent my formative years in New York City.
Jenny & Sumit
Fucking wow. Wow, wow, wow. I’d seen a spoiler on Instagram, but I didn’t want to believe that Sumit really had a wife already (who wasn’t Jenny.) I was rooting for you! We were all rooting for you!!!!
See, that just goes to show you, that if it smells like shit, it probably is. Or whatever that metaphor that my mom always says.
Parents are hard and I feel for Christina when she and Jen leave India. I start to tear up a bit, if you can believe. Like, you just can’t control people or make their decisions for them and that’s the hardest thing about family… Also, I’m going to Palm Springs this weekend and I really hope I run into Jenny and/or Family Jenny!!!
Sumit shouldn’t have done this to sweet Jenny and the whole internet is going to get him. His eyes are so sad as he tells the camera the truth. My heart can’t take the meltdown Jenny’s going to have next week shown in the previews. It simply can’t! I will burst into a million pieces and float into the sky like that old guy in Up. That’s me.
Also, have you ever watched Autopsy on Reelz? It’s complete trash, but I watched an episode about Andy Warhol over the weekend and it was great. I think I’m very into death conspiracies.
Laura & Aladdin
Overall, this relationship is on the rocks and they haven’t even had the wedding yet.
I hate the lamb scene.
Once again, they have an awkward sex talk on camera. Laura needs to fuck and there’s nothing wrong with that!
Also, I was convinced that Liam was gay, but after seeing this look in Guitar, it’s clear that he has the fashion sense of a straight man.
Karine & Paul
Karine’s in labor and Paul is worthless. I can’t imagine she actually wants a camera in the hospital filming this and I also can’t imagine giving birth without pain medicine. Poor girl.
Before The 90 Days
I’m not sure what happens that causes this roadside fight, but it’s clearly not Angela’s first time breaking one up. When she dives in, even the guy with the machine gun is scared of her. Their bedroom scene might actually give me nightmares.
After seeing Zied’s apartment, he definitely might be using her to get to the States and they are probably destined for failure. She should have private investigated that and known better.
Oy. Caesar. I’ve never seen a more delusional man.. IT IS PAINFUL TO WATCH THIS POOR MAN GET CATFISHED. MAKE IT STOP. I can’t look away this is my fault.
We definitely don’t need a shot of Benjamin (or any of these guys) in the shower.
I think Darzy probably owns several pairs of pleather pants that go up to her ribs and, at this point, I’ve come to expect that she’ll talk to herself while putting them on.
Tim didn’t deserve to have a drink thrown on him. I’m really starting to feel bad for him and the way Jennifer’s treating him. We all know how I feel about traditional gender roles and that, as women, we need to shed the masculine expectations we place upon guys in order to allow them to be their true selves.
So yeah, this week made me have way too many feelings. I’m taking an episode of Kardashians straight to the dome to remedy that ASAP.